Seriously Searching

Warning...This post is going to be all words and not necessarily the thing you want to read. Up to you though. I'm just letting you all in on a little of what I have been thinking and feeling lately.

Dillon and I have been talking a lot lately. Mostly just trying to figure out our lives and why we feel so much choas and stress everyday. It all started, at least for me, a year ago. Everything was happening so fast but for the good. I was pregnant but finally starting to feel like myself again, it was the middle of tax season(kind of bad but always good to be getting though another one), and we were buying a home and moving out of the so called "hole" of an apartment(my personal feelings about Gordon's apartments in Denver is...they were old and mice infested and reeked of cigarette smoke, but the area and circumstances taught Dillon and I a lot about ourselves, it was cheap!!! the area was awesome...so many parks and then the ward...well lets just say I MISS IT more than most things!!). People thought we were crazy to go back to that place after the internship but it was a huge blessing in disguise and if I had it to do again I would not change one little thing!

So we moved and all was good. I was excited to be moving on and "growing up" doing all the things that classify you as an adult. :) I was so excited for a new area, new ward and new possibilities. Well slowly but surely I started to feel a "hole". Something missing. I would try everything from getting out more, being more involved in the community and ward, shopping(buying things that we needed and things we didn't)...but all in all I just kept SEARCHING. I of course never realized this at the time, but looking back I recognize it. Life was good just not complete. I was really hoping that when our sweet little Genesee arrived everything would be fixed, but it stayed the same. Genesee came and she fit so perfectly into our lives that nothing really changed once she was here. Don't get me wrong we had a 4 month transition time and that was rough, but her being here with us didn't fix the search. Although she did help because now I have another bright little shiny spirit to lift my dark days.

I have been so self absorbed lately. All I ever worry about is if things are going to work out for me or my kids. I don't worry about people around me and the chaos in the world. Which is a good thing to an extent. No gossiping or being in people's business all the time is always a good thing. But lets be honest I NEED some adult social interaction. It is DANG hard finding a true friend anymore and then when I do I am too lazy to hang on to them. Then I sit and complain and cry to Dillon that no one likes me and I'm a social outcast when in all reality it is my fault.

I'm having a struggle with my ward here(and sorry if anyone from my ward reads this...which I don't think anyone does)because it is just such an established ward that everyone is already friends with eachother. Or else everyone is from here or the area so they have long time friends or family. It's hard to break through connections like that. And even harder just to feel a sincere connection with people.

I remember talks with my mom all the time about how sad life would be without the Gosple in our lives. Seeing people without it and watching them SEARCHING without them even knowing what they are searching for breaks my heart. And then the other day a light came on and the spirit said to me..."Isn't that what you are doing?" It hit like a ton of bricks...literally I felt so heavy, not from a dark presence but because of my guilt! That is exactly what I'm doing...I am searching for something more when all along I have it right in front of my face. The GOSPEL of Jesus Christ. The answer to all and any SEARCHING!!

Dillon and I took a drive last Sunday to go pick up our good friend Alvin McGee. We met him when we moved back after the internship. The missionaries asked us to take an investigator to church. We agreed to and then we took him every Sunday until we moved to Castle Rock. Alvin decided to be baptized and then he got the priesthood. Now he is preparing to go through the temple for the first time. I felt on fire and so estatic! When he mentioned this it gave me that feeling back that I had when we lived in Denver. I want to describe it as the passion for the gospel.  What a AWESOME choice on his part and what an example to me. I felt like we were back in the mission field and that we really had a good influence on him. I know that Castle Rock is still technically the mission field but not nearly as much as Denver is. I really MISS it up there
and the feeling of being needed so much!

and then...Dillon came to me one morning right before he left for work and said, "I think I know what is one of our problems. We take life too SERIOUS." I sat and thought about that all day. In reality I had thought that a lot before he brought it up, but it hit home much more once he said it. I am way too SERIOUS in almost every aspect of life. If I would relax I could have a much better relationship with my kids, my husband and my Heavenly Father. I depend on myself to do everything because everything is just to serious or important to let someone else have any control.

So this is what I'm deciding to do about my SERIOUS SEARCHING. I am going to make friends outside of church which will be huge for me. I am seriously a shut in,  but I'm going to do it. I'm going to do better about the friends that I do have and try to re-connect with them. I am going to find service because I know service is one way to get that happiness that I'm searching for. I am going to study my scriptures everyday even if it is just a verse or two because that is better than nothing. I am going to have more sincere prayer. I am going to teach my children the gospel through my actions, words and just simply my example. Biggest thing of all, I'm going to give control to the Lord! All in all I am going to live the Gospel the fullest that I know how even if it makes me look like a "weirdo" to everyone around me and that much harder to make friends.

I have been studying the New Testament and Christ was an outcast and I love him for that. I want to be like him. Live my life so fully in the Gospel that I am so happy and I don't care what other people think because I know what is right and true. I also want to do this without being self-righteous. I want to "be IN the world but not OF the world".  I want to be different because I feel like I never really have been. Things are going to change around here and for the better. My blog is going to change and will let everyone know that comes across it what we believe and that we live by what we believe.

This may be a silly post to you but to me it finally gets out all of the things that I have been feeling and thinking for over a year now! I probably need to break out my journal and write in there instead but now I have someone to hold me to what I have said I am going to do. Dillon and I tease that we live our lives by guilt...so even if you don't care what I do, I will think you do and I will constantly try to do better.

Now if you have made it this far then I am proud of you. You read my whole rant and didn't fall asleep or give up. I just want you to know that if you stay tuned I will have a whole bunch of pictures up tonight(if the computer lets me). Seeing as how I am a tax widow I have all the nights wide open. So hopefully, although I have said this before, I will be able to post more often.

Love you all!!